“Trauma bonds are relationships where there are cycles of: emotional neglect, abuse, abandonment, violation of boundaries, controlling dynamics, enabling, shaming, push/pull or punishment dynamics.
Trauma bonds feel very emotionally intense because they activate our original attachment wounding from childhood.
Usually there are patterns of inconsistency, lack of trust, + unpredictability that can be extremely psychologically (mentally) + physiologically (physically) addictive.
When we are in trauma bonds, there’s an awareness of the unhealthy dynamics, but the pull towards the other person can be so powerful— especially if that person carries core traits that we’re also within the parent we had the most conflicted relationship with.
If love was chaotic, unpredictable… If we “walked on eggshells” around a parent-figures emotion, or if a parent figure unconsciously used us for their own emotion gain (to villainize another parent, to fulfill their own unmet needs through pushing or molding a child, shaming the child because of the shame within themselves, or by using the child as an adult emotional support.) Similar dynamics will exist within adult relationships.
If a parent denied our reality, emotionally detached from us, or mostly ignored our need for connection we will often feel confused about our own reality within trauma bonds.
When we are confused about our own reality we feel helpless. Feeling helpless, dependent, + hiding parts of Self is the foundation of trauma bonds.
Authentic connection is a reparenting process where we go inward, to truly meet our own needs, desires, + boundaries.
So few of us (I’m still learning) are even conscious to these parts of ourselves because we had to deny them to survive at one time in our lives.
Authentic connection is peaceful, accepting, + lacks the “drama” that comes from cycles of our own stress hormones within our relationships.
It can feel boring or not exciting, especially if we never had secure attachments.
We can unlearn trauma bonds just as we learned them.”
– The Holistic Psychologist