I Caught A Fucking Spider

I caught a fucking spider
But he is not so small
A brown and hairy tarantula,
With furry face, arms, all.

I caught a fucking spider
My kid said “Dad! New pet!”
And I, the grownup (the man of the house)
thick bullets started to sweat.

I caught a fucking spider
(and managed not to cry!)
The boy cried “Chewie! I’m Han! Let’s go!”
and brought his ass inside.

I caught a fucking spider.
We put him in a jar.
I sealed the lid and punched some holes
and headed for the car.

“So. I caught a fucking spider,”
I told the Petsmart man.
He wowed and wooed and showed me to
the products and the plans.

“He caught a fucking spider!”
the man says to his friend.
“Terrarium and crickets – live!”
Expensive tastes, his whims.

“I caught a BIG ASS spider….
Can he climb out?” I ask.
He shook his head, “nah…probably not…
The furry ones slip on the glass.”

“My dad caught me a spider!”
The boy says at the front.
Miss stares at me, then squints her face:
“That’s gross,” she says, and grunts.

“We caught a [fucking] spider!”
the boy yells to his friends
“He’s big! He bites! He hunts at night!
And tackles them, tears them – pinned!”

Yes, I caught a fucking spider.
And the kid is now at his mom’s.
“Just you and me, Chewbacca ‘ol pal.”
I drop him a live cricket bomb.

I caught a fucking spider.
He’s not so bad I guess.
I greet him twice – each morning and night –
and wonder at his mess.

“I caught you, fucking spider.”
He listens. Stares, in rage.
“This is your home – forever.” U bitch.
I whisper “I’m sorry…” offstage.

I caught a fucking spider
I feed him daily chow.
“Chewbacca! Hello!” I say on approach
and honor my fatherly vow.

I caught a fucking spider.
It’s dinner now: “Hey! Lets eat!”
I search through glass and panic and freeze:
Where is he?! “Uhh..Chewie???…”

He’s just a fucking spider
I remind myself and laugh.
The petsmart man said furry ones
Can’t climb up through the glass

“I caught a BIG fucking spider,”
I tell the interweb
Be sure to close the top, they say.
on glass they stick and step.

Oh FUCK. That FUCKING SPIDER.
“Chewbacca! Where are you?!”
I’ve hid in your undies, u human, u bitch.
And Your toilet seat too. and shoes.

I caught a fucking spider;
But he caught a better break.
I swear if he crawls up onto my face
I’ll scream like a bitch wide awake

I caught a fucking spider.
“I’m sorry, Chew…” I say.
“I’ll make it good and let you go;
Just show your face. Ok?”

Ol pal?

Please?

Shit.

———

© Charlie Young, 2021. All rights reserved.