courage stone

courage stone

I flopped down on the couch

after getting the text from my former
lawyer

about that email she claims she sent me
but never actually did

and right then – thats when, it starts to hit me:
the panic. Like a sudden choke from no where.
because – I think – right before the panic,
I feel – touch –
relief.

Relief?

There

is no
relief. . . .

there’s only the next worst-thing. . . .

and so,

suddenly
-which is always-
it feels harder to breathe.
even though im laying
all shavansa on the sofa
and should be breathing freely
but NO – im not

because whenever I get up,
and whenever I see color again
and whenever I smell joy around the bend
between all these crazy-town trees
I get scared

and I run.

and as soon as I became self-aware
that I was thinking those thoughts
I heard your voice pop in. As it does,
daily, on the right side. My Strong
side. Like you always are.
Like I always hear
every damn day
but the words

were different

You said
“This… is my
courage stone.
This is not my
_______ stone.
It is my
courage stone.”

and holding it out
you
       bowed on it
smiled into it
breathed light within it
held it out to me,
placed into my palm
       and disappeared.

and I looked down
and saw that my palm
was empty

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