Sept 22, 2021
*dream while awake*
After a long night, and an emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually depleting week, I yet could not sleep. It was 12:30am that last time I looked. And some unknown length of time had passed since then.
Why can’t I sleep?…. I wondered……
“Because I am afraid” my mouth said aloud
Thinking this was quite strange, I remembered the instruction repeated to me over and over the past two years: “let the mouth speak, and let ears hear the sound”
And instantly there came into my mind a living recollection (which is like being dropped into it, or experiencing it again, but in present reality…. Like dreaming, but completely awake and aware in it) a time just over a year ago, when my son was having a panic attack and could not sleep. When he was in a bed, all alone, in a house that was not his. His fear, his panic, his inability to find comfort, even with Dad there comforting him…. Do you remember?
And, lying there, I was somehow him.
I heard you say it.
And I remembered you comforting him. That night. You doing what only you could do. Doing what not even I could do for my own child.
And so I let myself go there. Be there. Become him. To experience what it was like to be comforted by you. And…. I breathed. And allowed myself to listen to my soul speak to me, comfort me, the way in which my soul knows – though I am terrified of it.
It felt/sounded/vibrated in my chest. I could feel its frequency – and recognize it. Just like a person.
Rest…. Like a warm coal in your chest, always resting there…
My left hand moved up my body and placed itself on my chest.
Perfect love…. casts out all fear….. Perfect love…. Casts out all fear….
I began to breathe. deeply. fluidly.
Perfect love… casts out all fear….
My right arm began to move, the hand moving its way towards my stomach…. And it rested there.
I felt my body begin to let go, somehow, as I breathed.
Soft…. You are so loved…
I love you LCS
And I suddenly rememberd. Those words. She’s said them before – just like that. I’ve heard it right here, with my own ears, in this room, in this very spot on my bed, at this very hour of the night, in this very similar moment, in real life and on the phone… you heard it with your own ears before…..
And I thought: I know what thats like, what thats actually like, to feel the peace in my soul after hearing those words and knowing the truth of them
and I felt it again
and then, something deeper came
As close as she is to you
– right now, in this moment –
how much closer am I
how much more so do I
The coal in my chest began to glow even warmer.
Rest now….. Rest…….
My hands, both of them, began to move across the body in the direction they were facing, until I found myself hugging myself. It was so strange. But I was truly hugging another, and that other was my Self. Holding my self. Embracing my self.
And I fell asleep.