Twin Notes ~XIV~

TS [it’s tradish] –



Do you know how thankful I am for you?

Do you know how much I miss you? Do you how proud of you I am?

Do you know we need each other? Like, actually need each other, even if never -ever- seen in person again?

Do you know how fucked up that sounds? Do you know how not-fucked-up it is?

Do you know that you are not imaginary, but that you actually exist right now, in time and space and on planet earth, on ancient ground at the edge of the forest, just west of the crystal blue lagoon?

Do you know how grateful for you I am?

You were the first thing I saw when my eyes opened; do you know how much I hated you for that? 🤣 Do you know much dark shit I had to process because of it?

Do you know confused I was?

Do you know how traumatizing it was?

Do you know sorry I am for blaming you for that? Truth is no one’s “fault”.

Do you know how much you look like Moana in my memory right now, watching you in that golf cart under the moon, you fearful as fuck but showing what bravery and courage in following intuition looks like?

Do you know how much of a teacher you were to me in that moment?

Do you know how much I miss your goofy ass laugh?

Are you still one inch short of being a certifiable midget?

Do you still have god awful gas?

Have you treated yourself to a large, chocolate, or double Reese’s double Butterfinger Sonic blast lately?

Do you still jump-scare when a pen drops?

And east-coast rage at other persons “loud noises” when talking to them on the phone?

good Lordy I miss you

Two things (ok 3) [maybe 4]

(1) Cheesecake Factory nachos.

(2) The you I see is hotter

(3) I love you, and Love is eternal and exists in many forms. I am learning the meaning; fuck gaslighting the Soul to death with guilt and shame and fear (preaching to myself)

(4) *redacted*

ps – please, be careful if you’re reading all of these ~ it’s (intentionally) projection city ~ it might be best to avoid it all together – or maybe not. Follow your intuition, at all costs ~ the Great Lesson I’m learning) But it’s a mad house of controlled chaos and data dump, so just remember: you’re in Shadowland and trigger territory (careful not to do what we can do and run away with projected shit upon our brains….) Side tangent: I’ve learned much about the role of projection in my own self-awareness (and the great gift projection brings). Projections aren’t all bad, or “wrong” or even “incorrect” for that matter: they “say” something true about the one projecting: it reveals something in the person. And, even if the projection is “wrong”, its still not bad or even incorrect, for the projection always reveals a hidden or suppressed truth within the projector, disclosing shadow content within their own Self but somewhere just outside their own conscious awareness. Projections expose the true, deep, hidden, suppressed, ignored, shamed, or undiscovered and unknown inner-life activity and forces contained within the one doing the projecting. Projections are necessary for growth; they help up see and discover the parts of ourselves that we are perhaps most terrified to become truly aware of. Projections need a safe place to “get out” and project, where the supressed and hidden material in the unconcious Self can come forth: where it can be allowed (and encouraged) to surface, and be welcomed, identified, analyzed, known, owned, embraced, reordered, reintegrated, and then healthily incorporated back into real life, fully utilized in healthy and healing and wholistic ways. (It’s a mad house of individuation over here, as the darkest chapter of my life thus far draws to a close)

PPS – I stand by it all. So much to say…. judgerz gonna judge, as they always do. “Most misunderstood man in the world….” What a foreshadowing of a nickname THAT little joke would become….. but there’s a gift of light on the underside of every dark anything. (Holy SHIT do I know this). A Wholistic, clinical, and analytical psychoanalysis of my own journey [a practicing of it, daily] continues to be a miraculous healing salve: both beautiful and crushingly painful, all at the same time. The one thing I’ve learned more than anything (Well, top 3 at least): FOLLOW your intuition, at all costs. No matter how scary ~ fear IS the path. Listen to your soul and invest there more than anywhere else, or anything else; for the Soul is what waters everything else. Make the development and nourishment of that relationship, you and your soul, the absolute relational priority above all others. The greatest sin I have ever committed, and still continue to commit, is to neglect my own soul and not treat it as a person. listening, tending, caring, and FOLLOWING… its voice, it’s needs, it’s desires, it’s directives, its pains, its requests, its insights and wisdom… I was told that whenever you’re in service to your own soul, you can be sure you’ll be led straight to that which you fear most, and are most afraid to look at. I have certainly found that to be case in my life. And we may be certain that, when faced with whatever we would rather avoid (especially avoid the MOST) it’s through THAT dense thicket wheres the souls path leads. Never left, never right; always through.

ppps – that was like 6 things. I probs Shouldve made a longer list. (And speaking of lists, we should never have deleted ours…. We should’ve owned that shit. Let us learn. Let us own.)

Pppps – the synchronicty of last week was INSANE…. 👀 👀


– TS

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