So – as a part of my personal self work lately, I’ve been “going back”.
Im painfully aware now more than ever that there’s meaning (and, yes, a well-established psychological science) behind the madness. And so, I’ve been going back, gathering all the pieces and assigning myself the task of making order out of it all – almost like a book. A personal narrative of sorts, gathering everything in chronological order, and making sense of it all. It’s been therapy (quite literally – its now a part of my homework, including keeping a dream journal for analysis with my therapist )
And if this all sounds like madness, well brah, (1) I agree (2) Not So Fast
Take this one I came across today:
The two arrows and the references under them are “me” writing back a reply as if in sort of dialogue, asking for clarification on what the scribble says.
Clarification is given (and loudly): “Wrong. But beautifully wrong. June 8?” (I love the question mark – it was so playful. In feel, it’s emoji would be something like 😈 )
That page 👆🏼 was written on July 7, 2020.
On this particular page (written 17 months ago) I remember feeling (1) something near/with my father, (2) a sense that this little mark in the corner was numinous AF (3) very uncomfortable and a sense of “wtf is going on – I don’t wanna be a part of some satanist juju”. I hadn’t had a page experience like this before – I felt like I had connected on a whole other level to a whole other source – and it scared me. But, notice the “door” it had to come through (top of the page). The only one I knew, and the only one I used.
Another side note about this page: At this point in time, I hadn’t really had a “page” this specific, or one where the energy behind it went as far as making a clear date/time reference – AND double-down on it by being quite boastful/confident/playful about it, too: look at the energy/ emotions/heart/essence in the typography of “June 8?” [the ? was playful, almost teasing at what’s unknown] On a page, every single squiggle is purposeful and pregnant with feeling and a particular frequency: it’s not just what is said, but how it’s said that communicates. Words hold things.
And seeing this 17-month old page today, and not having seen it for over a year, made me think: “Well, today I know that that reference means something” – and find the meaning by integrating it all into a personal narrative of sorts
so what the F is June 8
And I thought of something.
Wait…. Wait just a fucking minute…. was that… when she…..