9/11/2023
There is a power over me.
It's the one that I granted,
the one that I give a run from
when I feel it
or when I sense fear in me
or panic
or any other emotion that I might try and label as
negative, or uncomfortable.
I push it
down
and suppress it,
so as not to deal with it.
It’s far easier that way, and,
if I’m honest,
I can sense my youngest inner self
projecting it out
and suppressing it
so as to capture it
and my most mature, grown ego self
labeling it as that which must be pushed away
because of its negative nature
and then I realize
that that nature, is,
indeed, my Self.
Or, a part of it,
at least.
And so, to push it away,
to push it down,
is to push away
my very own Self;
and so it would seem
that the best thing I can do
is to lean into those moments
and feel every single thing that is
there, at its outer edge,
and let it speak.
More: let it be heard.
Because, when I do that,
I meet another part of my Self
that I must reckon with;
I meet another part of my Self
that I must to look at, and know,
and deal with.
It may be dark,
and it may not be fun,
but that's Me,
that’s a part of my Self,
that's the stuff of my Nature,
and if I'm gonna truly love myself,
and if I'm gonna cut the bullshit
on that cliché saying at all
then why not put my own God(s) to the test?
Why not take everything I say I believe in
and see if it applies to my Self?
Why not take
all the promises of scripture
and all of the blessings and the curses
and all of the truths and all the faces
that I've ever literally thrown my very life upon
and ask my Self
whether or not those all, too,
apply to Me?
(especially the hidden ones?)
And if
it does,
if it does,
well, then,
that's the beginning of everything.
