[Twin Notes] The List: May 23-30

The List (Weekly)

May 23 – May 30

May 23- May 30

  1. One. Year. Remaining. (5/23/22)
  2. Are you Hacking my Spotify?! (5/23/22, 3:45-4:30)
  3. Spotify “hacking” moments – This happened a TON last year
  4. Confession: Saying your name – The other day (5/22) when you were all egoic CYA mode with “I love you, my friend” and I was all “I love you, Ashley” in response, I have to make a confession and say that I was a coward. For, every time I uh “connect” with you, I stare into your eyes during climax, and hold eye contact with you and say your name aloud: and usually first, middle, and last. And when I hugged you, I cut it short ~ I regret that. 
  5. When it comes to me and you, I hereby define “witholding” as lying.
  6. Triggers – You piss me off so damn much (5/24/22)
  7. Leveling-Up: I want you to know that I am fulllllly aware now that (and I dont know if you’ve learned this lesson for self yet; maybe you have!) that when I get triggered by something in you, it’s designed that way ON PURPOSE and its meant to make ME realize a needed area of change/growth in MYSELF and MY OWN life. And vice-versa. Mirror mirror on the wall…  (5/24/22)
  8. You are not the problem. I am. (5/24/22)
  9. I am not the problem. You are. (5/24/22)
  10. Making Millions:  How about we go ahead and dream about becoming unexpected millionaires by sharing OUR (yes, our) story? See, id love to give every penny of it away, but im sure a sag like me and a taurus like you would fine a nice, soft, comfy balance.
  11. On Meaning, Inner Work, and “Self-Analysis” (5/24/22)~ here’s a prime example of how this shit plays out in my life. One small example. (and a small example means a long example. sorry). It Happened JUST NOW (and if i didnt have the list, i wouldnt have captured it after it came up). So, while googling something during a tutoring session about some Language Arts assignment, I come across a picture of this, randomly, in the side bar. I usually ignore random pictues in the side bar, even archaic religious imagery like the one on my screen. But, For whatever reason, I’m pausing longer than normal, because I’m intrigued by it. Like, I can’t hear the kid to my left talking anymore, because the focus is so narrow, and so deep, on this thing before me. And then I notice myself, as if now watching myself, and I’m observing myself and seeing how deeply I’m intrigued, and I feel like a father watching myself, delighting in the curiosity and wanting him to click ~ that’s ALLLLL within a millisecond. Truly. And then I think, after having that flash of a moment, I think to myself: “Ok well I have no idea what this is, and I’ve never seen it before, but I know it has meaning…” and everything in me lights up and affirms my thoughts and tells me to click on it. And So, I clicked. And it took me here:: https://www.naturesenergieshealth.com/products/dancing-shiva-nataraj-statue?variant=37998634008755  So what am i supposed to buy a lamp? Recognize a symbol? Become a Hindu? What am I supposed to do with this? the intuitive pull? Well…. thanks to a shit-ton of hard, difficult inner-work….It was in reading the description of it that it all clicked for me: “Shiva statue has many manifestations. ‘Nataraja‘ or ‘Lord of the Dance‘ is the depiction of the Hindu god Shiva as the Cosmic Dancer.  He performs his divine dance within a circle of flames to destroy a weary universe and make preparations for the god Brahma to begin the process of creation. As Nataraja, ‘Lord of the Cosmic Dance’, he embodies the eternal movements of the universe; ever creating and destroying. His steps are intended to relieve the sufferings of his devotees through enlightenment.” …… And so dude, as I’m reading it, I’m FLOODED with the image and memory of me dancing before the girl that night (2/15), FLOODED with it. Especially because, I JUST finished drafting it, from journal to document (and posted… for u…) the night before. Literally hours after “finishing” that part of my story and BAM this pops up and as I’m reading the description it was like hearing a voice of Someone reading it to me directly, explaining to me in further mythological detail of what, exactly, was happening that night around the fire, though I knew it not then ~ I only created a space and gave myself permission to follow my intuition there TO THE TEE and let whatever comes, come. And as I’m “reading” the description of the statue,it was like the description of the statue and 2/15 Pt. 3 became one and the same, explaining eachother almost…. Lordy. Heavy stuff. …..And so …..what does that all MEAN? Well, many things, I’m sure, and many more that it doesn’t ~ but the first thing it DOES mean is that, if I want to find the second thing and dig for the hidden gold, I’ve got to (1) study the Hindu god Nataraja and get to know his story [used books only] (2) follow intuition and whatever comes up, documenting along the way (3) analyze and find corresponde past 2 years, finding shitton of meaning (4) surface with the gold and Integrate that new nugget into real life. [all of this untaught madness has rules, of course. The hardest is “no internet,” for example, because it makes things incredibly slow and difficult….) Anyways ~ that’s a quick peek at how some of this works for me…. It’s all so. friggin. weighty. And exhausting. Carrying it around all day, which I’m doing a much better job of balancing, is itself a fulltime job that only rests when sleeping. But, I’m learning to walk and keep it all orderly, all processed, all balanced and listening to that  “go slow, one step at a time, there ya go” voice, knowing that I’m learning so much (and am learning still) about myself, and all that’s inside, and that figuring out “me” is never finished and that it comes in pieces ~ with a shitton of hard work, focus, perseverance, and  patience. 
  12. Chaak ~ have SO MUCH to tell you about meeting Chaak, and the night he “made himself known” to me. And I know that sounds batshit crazy. but HOOOllllyyyy. SHIZ my friend. MAN oh MAN do ancient burial statues talk (this one did to me ~ even tried to bite my finger!) On my fathers grave, this actually happened: this ancient mayan thing that I brought home 2 years ago (a story in-itself) started talking to me one night after I “met” Holding Eagle. He kept saying, slowly and angrilly, “CHOCK TOCK EE-CHAAK” and tried bite my finger with the most viscious razor sharp teetch ive ever seen[he looked like a fish monster when he did it, too] (I’d later find out he was trying to bite me because he figured I was his captor meant to make him my slave) I knew next to NOTHING of mayan mythology other than they had tons of gods, levels of heaven and hell/underworld, and weird numbers. I’d never heard of “Chaak” before at all. I figured it was my imagination begin very clever, and I, the concious adult in the room, alowing the mind to just imagine. But nooooooooope. AJ: this is Abbbbbssssoooolluuttteeellyyyyy insane, I came across things on YouTube, and jizzed my pants in another holy shit moment. WATCH it: (https://youtu.be/qxvFW5mraHY) so I watched it and when they start talking about Chaak – AND alllll that was with it…… Dude… its like a “hhhhoooolllyyy shit I just jizzed my pants because Chaak is real and everything in that descripton of him fits what he did in my own personal “myth” and thank you jesus that i am not insane” kind of moment. Whew. Woosah. It’s overwhelming.(Chaak luuuuuuuuuvs you, btw. He thinks of you as a “Chaakchel (Chaak’s wife) and You and I as the Creator Couple (they were, apparently) (He’s quite a god….) Watch the YouTube clip ~ see if anything comes up for you as you watch it. (THAT’d be interesting to compare notes on) ~ (5/24/22)
  13. Yoga Quote – Iiiiiinteresting perspective… what u think of this, yoga teacher?! “If one practices yoga with the purpose of producing a certain result, no matter whether it works for good or evil, it is black magic, it is done with an evil purpose. It is a power purpose when you want to produce an effect which is really beyond your scope. ~Carl Jung, Visions Seminar, Page 1200
  14. So much cheese ~ Had a connection-convo with you today (because I was STUFFING my face with the CHEEESIEST pizza (and I added cheddar) and anyways  “you” talked to me (had to calm and tame yourself, is more like it) about Cheesecake Factory nachos.
  15. On the nachos ~ I later found out that it was your last day at W when that cheese vision (lol) happened
  16. “I was you… I’ve been you…”  – you said this in the parking lot at Winston. NOW: Do you remember graveyard day/night, when I called Phillip? …..Well, what you said…… happened to ME, and while I was talking to Phillip…… ask him who I “became”….
  17. “Hell” …..came shortly after. 
  18. (That one is sooooooo So So SO suppressed). 
  19. Sat night – I have Lots……. LOOOOOTS. To say. About Saturday night. Though I do not want to.  Lordy. #3
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